I am not okay. I am skating on the thin line between hope and hopelessness and as each bullet fails to ricochet and pierces into another black body that line slowly disappears, and so does my sanity. With every foot that seeks to fracture a skull, a piece is taken from my black soul. As each windpipe is pressed on, It is as if I am the one being asphyxiated because every headline is another breath I am unable to take. How do I wake up every day seeking to cause good trouble when it is clear that there is not one race that doesn’t hate me? I, us, we are NOT different. I can only scream Black Lives Matter so many times before it no longer continues to echo. I NEED HELP. God has called me to do a great thing, but I am not Fred, and I can’t be your black messiah. Somedays I wonder If It will all be worth it. Will fighting the good fight bring on a change or will my granddaughter be seeking justice because everything has remained the same? Should I be like everyone else and focus on affording a bunch of depreciating assets or continue to fight a war that I have no idea can be won?
I am not okay. And maybe it’s the mental illness and constant anxiety that makes me believe I can actually make a change or maybe it’s the red street that no one wants to name but I can’t unsee. I can’t forget about the cries and screams, begging, and the scariest of all the unknown that preceded death. It could be Me, It could be My Mom or My Brothers so how do I not fight? How do I stay Stagnant during issues that affect my life… or could end it? No camera can save me, it is nothing but a mere eternal memory of my last breath that never fully sums up my final moments of death. The Panic, the confusion, the constant battle of fight or flight, and the pain in my chest as I Inhale never knowing which one will be my last breath.
I am not okay, and I guess that is the price I pay for this passion to claim peace and safety. but promise me one thing. Promise me that my death will not be in vain and you will continue to seek revolution because survival only keeps the system the same. Promise me as I fight by any means necessary I will not be made a martyr for my pain, but remembered as a seeker of change.